Genealogy Humor

Here is another one. But firstly I should give you some history lessens.
It is about a nation hat originated at The Cape (Cape town South Africa) A lot of people Dutch German Norwegian Swedish English Slaves from all the world settle here plus the original Khoisan people . The Cape was Made a halfway station for the Dutch ships of the VOCC. Dutch was spoken and soon a kind of dialect Called AFRIKAANS developed And the White people who speak it are called Afrikaners and as most of them were farmers (and therefore called BOERE which is Cape dutch for farmers} From 1830 they started moving inland and later formed the twon Boere republics Orange Free state and Transvaal.)
England didt like it and declare war on the two republics. England sent about 500,000 British soldiers The two republics 20,000 Burgerhers (fighting citizens)
The Mother line( Matriarch) had usally a big say in family affairs.
It so come that GENERAL DE WET one of our famous BOERE generals passed a farm and in the conversation the matriarch asked him. ' General where does all these Englishmen came from.
Tanta (Aunt) I hear from Slim (slew) Jannie Smuts (Another General who study at cambridge and get the highest marks ever at the University)
that in England they had a big machine more or less like a meat-mincer the kind that you turn with a crank , in it the trow meat hoofs skins blood stones any thingh they can lay hands on. and with every quarter turn they give...ouit dropped an little Englishman.

After thinking for a while the old woman said " . You know General I still choose the old Boer way."
Did you catch it.

After some fight with Geni's upload system i've managed to upload some pretty funny signatures that people have. Check the group, and pick your favourite!

Unfortunately there're a couple that you would need to know Russian language to understand the humour, but still... enjoy the ones that you get.

Volodya, I liked #20 with the bird as part of his name the best. Some of the others looked like scribbling!!! Some would be easy to copy...

I like MetalicA look-alike.

Obviously a man's thoughts about gifts and a woman's are worlds apart... What do you think???

Don't Make a Fuss About Valentine's Day

Background
My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list - see what you think:

* Brand new mop and bucket.
*** I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.

* Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
*** I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.

* Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box.
*** I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.

* Midnight moped ride through the park.
*** I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.

* Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favorites this -

*** I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.

* 45 second back massage.
*** I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.

* Windows 8.1

*** I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.

Valentine’s Day Humor

My One And Only

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweler’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweler inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".' 


he jeweler smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

Valentine Dreams

One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

*******************************************************************************

500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

What did the stamp say to the envelope??? “I'm stuck on you.”

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Be My Valentine

It was Valentine's Day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?'

The 10 Valentine Commandments

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else!

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too darn weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

Whose Balls Are They?

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry. I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?”
The golfer replies... "I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe ...every prick should have two balls!!!"

I thought he was going to smash the window, and when the dude asked "whose ball is this" everybody was going to say "it's your yard, it's probably yours"

if you can't lick 'em, join 'em!

Patricia Ann Scoggin
Just as a little token of appreciation, me and my brother added some profiles to your Swedish corner in the world.

http://www.geni.com/path/Tore+is+related+to+Patricia-Scoggin?from=6...

http://www.geni.com/path/Anders+is+related+to+Patricia-Scoggin?from...

If you like animals, this video will make you smile... Have a great day.

1 Minute 3 Seconds of pure delight Video:

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/vnVuqfXohxc?rel=0&%3bsho...

Private User Thanks soooooo much for the additional family info. This branch of my dad's side of the family didn't go back very far. You have added several generations. This is one thing I really like about Geni... everyone is so willing to help & fill in some blanks!!!

Hugs & Angels be with you & yours,
Pat
(We are 26th cousins & 19th cousin 6x's removed on my Mom's side of the family, depending on which chain you follow...)

500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man --------- Wow
We are all in Sales

https://youtu.be/emLV3evZ3OY
Song, about Gränna! Well, if you ever got time over, take a visit to the town that still looks much the same today that when your ancestor left it, Patricia.

Funny Thoughts To Ponder 9

1. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
2. If an escalator breaks down, does it become stairs?
3. Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
4. Do Roman paramedics refer to 'IV's as '4's?
5. Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
6. Did they have antiques in the olden days?
7. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
8. Why does a priceless object cost more than a pricey one?
9. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?
10. With so many rivers running into the ocean, why doesn't the water level rise?
11. If a vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good or bad?
12. What are the handles for corn on the cob called?
13. When Popeye blows through his pipe, why doesn't his face get sprayed with burning ash?
14. Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
15. Do your eyes change color when you die?
16. Was Mary and Joseph's surname Christ before Jesus was born?
17. Why is it good to be "under par" in golf, but bad to be "under par" in anything else?
18. Can an ambidextrous person make an offhand remark?
19. Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
20. In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
21. How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
22. If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
23. What type of animal is Snuffleupagus?
24. If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?
25. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

3. Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
The Japanese actually wanted to call him Monkey Kong but made a typo, they mistook M with D, and it passed all way down to the finished product and then it was way too late to change.

Funny Thoughts To Ponder 10

1. Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
2. If quitters never win, why do they tell us to quit while we're ahead?
3. Why aren't lawyers sworn in during trials?
4. Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
5. Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?
6. Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
7. If something "goes without saying", why do people still say it?
8. How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall, but it's illegal to keep one as a pet?
9. Do Dutch people always split the bill?
10. Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
11. Why does a dog get mad at you when you blow in his face, but stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
12. If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?
13. Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?
14. If you lick the air, does it get wet?
15. If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
16. When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
17. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
18. Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
19. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
20. Who coined the phrase, "coined the phrase"?
21. Why are you "in" a movie, but "on" TV?
22. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
23. Why does grass only smell when you cut it?
24. If there were a thousand seagulls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?
25. When French people swear, do they say, "pardon my English?"

Signs & Billboards

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's Office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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On a Plumber’s Truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's Truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Store in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On an Electrician's Truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Car Exhaust/Muffler Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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Here is another Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-lighted."

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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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A Sign In A Shoe Repair Store In Vancouver That Read:
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."
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Mad magazine's version of a Burma Shave sign.

Be like a noble
Not a knave
Caesar uses
Burma Shave

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
Don't tell me your age, the Hershey Man will know!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. Pick the number of times a week you'd like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. MULTIPLY this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. ADD 5

4. MULTIPLY it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator (or use the one listed under 'accessories' on your computer)

5. If you already had your birthday this year ADD 1766
If you haven't, ADD 1765

6. Now SUBTRACT the four-digit year that you were born.
You should have a three-digit number remaining.

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week)

The next two numbers are
YOUR Present AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!)

I sent this to my brother and nephew, the math geniuses. I HAVE to know why it works !

Here's why the Chocolate math trick works - thanks to my brother : 1. Call it x
2. 2x
3. 2x + 5
4. 100x + 250
5. 100x + 250 + 1765, which equals 100x + 2015
6. 100x + 2015 - (birthyear) = 100x + (2015 - birthyear) = 100x + age

that's a 3 digit number (age is 2 digits, 100x is 3 digits ending in 00). The first digit is x (100x), the rest is the age.

Notice how they cleverly snuck 2015 in there (add 5, multiply by 50, add 1765). 2015 - birthyear is, of course how they get your age.

)))

You don't need to be a genius to figure this out, and also to notice that of course, a person who has celebrated a centennial would completely ruin the trick!

Easter Humor

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"
He replied, "They're all nocturnal."
====================
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
====================
Q: How do you make a rabbit stew?
A: Make it wait for 3 hours!
====================
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A Hot Cross bunny.
====================
Q: Is it true that bunnies have good eye sight?
A: Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?
====================
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?
 Eggs (X) marks the spot

What did the bunny want to do when it grew up?
 Join the Hare Force

Why did the Easter Egg hide?
 He was a little chicken

What's the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
 Hare Mail

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
 The outside, of course!

What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
 It's been nice gnawing you

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Ester
Ester
Who?
Ester Bunny

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Some bunny

Some bunny Who?
Some bunny is eating all my Easter candy!

Truism's

-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. 


-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."


-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
-Take my advice — I'm not using it.
-My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
-I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
-Money is the root of all wealth.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny


Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!

I like this!