Genealogy Humor

Hi Tammy, Its not a joke. You are my 18th Cousin.

Tammy Swingle (Tucker) is my 20th cousin four times removed.

It truly is a Small, Small World!!! Think that Disney song should be Geni's theme song!!!

Did you all ck out the pix that go with the "All I need to Know..."???

Have you heard of the books called: "Uncle John's Bathroom Readers"??? There are many of them out there & if you enjoy trivia & humor they are well worth getting. Lots of fun info also. Think I will include some things from one of them here to give you all a break from possible repeated humor...
Soooo, with that said, here is some interesting info. How many of these were you aware of???

Reading Tombstones
If you've ever walked through a cemetery, you've probably noticed that many tombstones, esp. older ones, are decorated with flowers, animals, and other symbols. Here's a look at what some of them represent.

• Butterflies: The three stages of the butterfly's life--caterpillar, cocoon, and butterfly--represent life, death, and rebirth.
• Daisies: Innocence. Daisies are frequently found on the graves of children.
• Sheaf of wheat: A long and productive life. Frequently found on the graves of people who lived past the age of 70.
• A woman holding a candle, lamp, or cross: Faith
• Pomegranates: Holiness, unity, love, and hope of immortality and resurrection.
• Two hands clasping each other: A married couple. Look closely at the hands--one hand will be masculine, the other feminine.
• Curtains, doors or gates: Transition to the next world.
• Elephants: Strength and happiness. Sometimes it just means the deceased liked to travel to exotic places.
• Pine cones: Immortality.
• A crane standing on one leg: Vigilance; these birds are often found perched atop mausoleums and other monuments. (Legend has it the birds sleep standing on one leg while holding a small stone in the claw of the other leg. If they sleep too deeply, they drop the stone onto the other leg, which wakes them up.)
• A human foot: Humility (it's the part of the body that touches the ground).
• An empty chair, often with a small pair of shoes nearby: The death of a child.
• A broken Roman column: A life cut short.
• Acorns: Prosperity.
• An angel, a lion, an ox and an eagle: The authors of the four gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, in that order.
• Coins: Charity.
• Chrysanthemums: Longevity, immortality. (The plants are hardy and their flowers last well into winter.

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It ain't what you don't know that makes you look like a fool; it's what you do know that ain't so... Appalachian proverb

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What do Google, Apple, and Amazon.com have in common???
They were all started in home garages.

Seniors'Shades of Grey
Or
50 Shades of Grey

After nearly 40 years of marriage, Charlie and his wife were lying in bed . . . Suddenly the wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back . . . He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach . . . He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf . . . Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg . . . He continued in the same manner on her right side . . . then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice . . . “Honey, that was wonderful . . . Why did you stop?"

To which he responded....

...........“I found the remote..."

Ulf Ingvar Göte Martinsson- you're one of my very distant cousins, via

Afonso II the Fat, King of Portugal is my ancestor while Berengária af Portugal, Dronning af Danmark, his sister, is yours

Yes, we are Sue! Isn't it fun to see the migration pattern spread around the world, making us related over sea, language, and thru history. I guess your are living in USA, I am from Sweden, our common ancestor lived in Portugal and Geni visualize this relationship in an easy way to see it clearly.

Funny Thoughts To Ponder 8

1. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
2. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
3. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
4. Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?
5. Why are dogs noses always wet?
6. If a bee is allergic to pollen would it get the hives?
7. Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
8. Why do they lock the lid on a coffin?
9. Why don't women put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
12. If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
13. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
14. Do bald people get dandruff?
15. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
16. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
17. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
18. Whose cruel idea was it to put an 's' in the word "lisp"?
19. Why do superheroes wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes?
20. If a taxicab driver were to drive backwards, would he end up owing his passenger money?
21. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
22. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
23. If you melt dry ice, could you swim without getting wet?
24. Do pigs pull their ham strings?
25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
26. If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
27. Can you cry under water?
28. Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog food, etc. but Goofy, who is also a dog, lives in a condo and drives a car? And, why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
29. If you blew a bubble in space would it pop?
30. If a bouncer at a bar gets drunk and unruly, who throws him out?
31. Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
33. How did the first women ever to shave their legs know that the skin wouldn't just peel right off?
34. When a pregnant woman has twins, are there 1 or 2 umbilical cords?
35. Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with?
36. Why do they put holes in crackers?
37. Why do they call it "raw sewage"? Is there any other kind?
38. What do people in China call their good plates?
39. How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
40. Why don't woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their head on a tree all day?
41. Why is tuna sometimes called "tuna fish"? Chicken is never called "chicken bird".
42. If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with?

In russian version of the cartoon they do: https://youtu.be/yOmiiZNScRQ?t=7m

re: 42. If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

It depends on the laws. In the Western part of the US there were many battles (often literally, not just legally) over water & mineral rights "under the earth. One could sell (or own) water & mineral rights UNDER the surface relatively independently of the the rights of those who "owned the surface".

And more interesting one is the ownership of the clouds above that territory. Due to the climate change some places are beginning to flood, and some places are drying up. So theoretically you can start (and i'm sure people will) seeing the clouds before they leave your country, county, or just a plot of land. And then we'll really start having troubles.

THis is Drop Dead Funny...

I remember Louie from back in the late '50's or early early 60's.

http://biggeekdad.com/2013/10/louie-dog/

It had already been done in South Africa ( I mean the seeding of the clouds)
That was roughly 1970`s 1980`s . The purpose was to let it rain in the catchment area of the Vaaldam that supplies water to Johannesburg Pretoria , Vereeniging Vanderbijlpark area. It was run by the government.

What roughly happened is that they sent up small aero planes till above the clouds and releases some chemical dust that let the vapor condensate and thus forms rain. It was stopped because of complaints by people that they either they get to much rain or to less.

Here in Namibia it was done by the farmers themselves . They bought rockets that was filled with the same stuff and shoot through the clouds where it burst condensate and rain.

It was stopped because of legal implications. It usually doesn't rain where you want to and people start suing each other for damages.

We at that time call it "milking" the clouds.

I think in time we will go back to seeding and milking

I remember there was religious complaints as well

In Russia they did it only to ensure that some state holidays will be cloud free, normally over Moscow, by seeding the clouds around the city, not allowing them to enter.

Things I learned while living in the South...
or The Genealogy of Language..............................

*A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

*There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

*There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South,
plus a couple no one's seen before.

*If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

*Onced and Twiced are real words.

*It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

*Jawl-P? means...Did you all go to the bathroom?

*People actually grow, eat and like okra.

*Fixinto is one word... It means I'm going to do that.

*There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then
there's supper.

*Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to
as the Wine of the South.

*Backwards and forwards means ...I know everything about you.

*The word jeet is actually a question meaning... 'Did you eat?'

*You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is,
you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

*Ya'll is singular. ..All ya'll is plural.

*All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect, or animal.

*You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

*You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

*The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but
require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

*Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name)

*You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

*You know what a hissy fit is!

*Fried catfish is the other white meat.

*We don't need no dang Driver's Ed.
If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

*You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern
friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.*

"Genealogy of the Car Radio...."

Super fascinating in a FUNNY way from the “Now You Know” department ...
…. This has been circulating on the WEB so you may have seen it before, but if you have an aging memory like mine, it is a surprising good read:

One evening, in 1929, two young men named William Lear and Elmer Wavering drove their girlfriends to a lookout point high above the Mississippi River town of Quincy, Illinois, to watch the sunset.

It was a romantic night to be sure, but one of the women observed that it would be even nicer if they could listen to music in the car.

Lear and Wavering liked the idea. Both men had tinkered with radios (Lear served as a radio operator in the U.S. Navy during World War I) and it wasn't long before they were taking apart a home radio and trying to get it to work in a car.

But it wasn't easy: automobiles have ignition switches, generators, spark plugs, and other electrical equipment that generate noisy static interference, making it nearly impossible to listen to the radio when the engine was running.

One by one, Lear and Wavering identified and eliminated each source of electrical interference. When they finally got their radio to work, they took it to a radio convention in Chicago. There they met Paul Galvin, owner of Galvin Manufacturing Corporation. He made a product called a "battery eliminator", a device that allowed battery-powered radios to run on household AC current.

But as more homes were wired for electricity, more radio manufacturers made AC-powered radios.

Galvin needed a new product to manufacture. When he met Lear and Wavering at the radio convention, he found it. He believed that mass-produced, affordable car radios had the potential to become a huge business.

Lear and Wavering set up shop in Galvin's factory, and when they perfected their first radio, they installed it in his Studebaker.

Then Galvin went to a local banker to apply for a loan. Thinking it might sweeten the deal, he had his men install a radio in the banker's Packard. Good idea, but it didn't work. Half an hour after the installation, the banker's Packard caught on fire. (They didn't get the loan.)

Galvin didn't give up. He drove his Studebaker nearly 800 miles to Atlantic City to show off the radio at the 1930 Radio Manufacturers Association convention. Too broke to afford a booth, he parked the car outside the convention hall and cranked up the radio so that passing conventioneers could hear it. That idea worked -- He got enough orders to put the radio into production.

WHAT'S IN A NAME? That first production model was called the 5T71. Galvin decided he needed to come up with something a little catchier. In those days many companies in the phonograph and radio businesses used the suffix "ola" for their names - Radiola, Columbiola, and Victorola were three of the biggest. Galvin decided to do the same thing, and since his radio was intended for use in a motor vehicle, he decided to call it the Motorola.

But even with the name change, the radio still had problems: When Motorola went on sale in 1930, it cost about $110 uninstalled, at a time when you could buy a brand-new car for $650, and the country was sliding into the Great Depression. (By that measure, a radio for a new car would cost about $3,000 today.)

In 1930, it took two men several days to put in a car radio. The dashboard had to be taken apart so that the receiver and a single speaker could be installed, and the ceiling had to be cut open to install the antenna. These early radios ran on their own batteries, not on the car battery, so holes had to be cut into the floorboard to accommodate them.

The installation manual had eight complete diagrams and 28 pages of instructions. Selling complicated car radios that cost 20 percent of the price of a brand-new car wouldn’t have been easy in the best of times, let alone during the Great Depression. Galvin lost money in 1930 and struggled for a couple of years after that. But things picked up in 1933 when Ford began offering Motorola's Pre-installed at the factory. In 1934 they got another boost when Galvin struck a deal with B.F. Goodrich tire company to sell and install them in its chain of tire stores. By then the price of the radio, with installation included, had dropped to $55. The Motorola car radio was off and running. (The name of the company would be officially changed from Galvin Manufacturing to "Motorola" in 1947.)

In the meantime, Galvin continued to develop new uses for car radios. In 1936, the same year that it introduced push-button tuning, it also introduced the Motorola Police Cruiser, a standard car radio that was factory preset to a single frequency to pick up police broadcasts. In 1940 he developed the first handheld two-way radio -- The Handy-Talkie for the U. S. Army.

A lot of the communications technologies that we take for granted today were born in Motorola labs in the years that followed World War II. In 1947 they came out with the first television for under $200. In 1956 the company introduced the world's first pager; in 1969 came the radio and television equipment that was used to televise Neil Armstrong's first steps on the Moon. In 1973 it invented the world's first handheld cellular phone. Today Motorola is one of the largest cell phone manufacturers in the world.

And it all started with the car radio.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO the two men who installed the first radio in Paul Galvin's car?

Elmer Wavering and William Lear, ended up taking very different paths in life.

Wavering stayed with Motorola. In the 1950's he helped change the automobile experience again when he developed the first automotive alternator, replacing inefficient and unreliable generators. The invention lead to such luxuries as power windows, power seats, and eventually, air-conditioning.

Lear also continued inventing. He holds more than 150 patents. Remember eight-track tape players? Lear invented that. But what he's really famous for are his contributions to the field of aviation. He invented radio direction finders for planes, aided in the invention of the autopilot, designed the first fully automatic aircraft landing system, and in 1963 introduced his most famous invention of all, the Lear Jet,the world's first mass-produced, affordable business jet. (Not bad for a guy who dropped out of school after the eighth grade!)

Sometimes it is fun to find out how some of the many things that we take for granted actually came into being!

...And guys...Supposedly this all started with a woman's suggestion
for a more Romantic Evening????

This was fascinating!!! It was really interesting to learn how some of the conveniences we take for granted to day came into being.

Norm, thanks a lot. I've enjoyed that quite a bit.

This is for all the future Generations of America...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfmwGAd1L-o
https://youtu.be/pfmwGAd1L-o

I had to knopw about 34 When a pregnant woman has twins, are there 1 or 2 umbilical cords? https://www.quora.com/When-a-pregnant-woman-has-twins-are-there-1-o...

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080623183906AAdnWqg

Here is something that I think will be inspirational, which we all need from time to time... Hope you all will agree.

The Optimistic 10 Commandments



1. Thou shalt be happy 

2. Thou shalt use thy talents to make others glad. 

3. Thou shalt rise above defeat and trouble. 

4. Thou shalt look upon each day as a new day.
5. Thou shalt always do thy best and leave the 
rest to God. 

6. Thou shalt not waste thy time and energy in 
useless worry. 

7. Thou shalt look only on the bright side of life.
8. Thou shalt not be afraid of tomorrow. 

9. Thou shalt have a kind word and a kind deed 
for everyone. 

10. Thou shalt say each morning -- I am a child 
of God and nothing can hurt me.

BE HAPPY!!!

Err. i don't know. I think some of them are honestly not very optimistic.

We frequently have jokes about blond ladies. Let's give the ladies a break... Here are some featuring Blond Men...

Blond Men…

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"


He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair and mine's all wet."
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A blond man spied a letter lying on his doormat.
It said on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"


"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "This is her husband!"


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A blond man is in jail; the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"The rope should be around your neck,” says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."


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An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."


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A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."


The blond man replied, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.


One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"


The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


****************************** 

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."


To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!"

Old time professions that no longer exist:

Angle Iron Smith:

A person who worked as an iron smith, but only produced sheets of metal that were bent at 90 degrees. Think Bender from Futurama, but even more specialised, as he could only do right angles.

Computer:

This profession became obsolete with an invention of a ... well ... of a computer. A computer was a person, that you could take a lengthy calculation to, and he (rarely she) would slowly do. Let's say you needed to compute products of series of numbers and then do a sum total, you wouldn't fire off a spread-sheet program, but would hire a computer.

Eyer or Holer

A person who made eyes or holes in needles used for sowing... of course.

Stone picker

This one is a bit obvious... it's somebody who picked up stones... and removed them.
When you look at your farm, and it has too many stones. Who you gonna call? Stone Picker!

Stripper

Well, we have them now too, but they used to remove rubbish from the carding machines in the wool trade. It is unknown whether or not they would actually strip too.

Stringer

A stringer would spend one's life making strings. If that wasn't specific enough, they would only make strings for bows.

Ha! Ha! Some very interesting professions!!! It is amazing how many professions have been eliminated because of technology!

Halloween is rapidly approaching & thought you all might like to know some info about Halloween... I will see what else I can find. Anyone else know some odd or interesting facts about Halloween??? (or Halloween humor???)

Halloween Info – Did you know???

History of Halloween:
* Straddling the line between fall and winter, plenty and paucity, life and death, Halloween is a time of celebration and superstition. It is thought to have originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off roaming ghosts. In the eighth century, Pope Gregory III designated November 1 as a time to honor all saints and martyrs; the holiday, All Saints’ Day, incorporated some of the traditions of Samhain. The evening before was known as All Hallows’ Eve and later Halloween. Over time, Halloween evolved into a secular, community-based event characterized by child-friendly activities such as trick-or-treating. In a number of countries around the world, as the days grow shorter and the nights get colder, people continue to usher in the winter season with gatherings, costumes and sweet treats.

History of the Jack O’Lantern:
* Every October, carved pumpkins peer out from porches and doorsteps in the United States and other parts of the world. Gourd-like orange fruits inscribed with ghoulish faces and illuminated by candles are a sure sign of the Halloween season. The practice of decorating “jack-o’-lanterns”—the name comes from an Irish folktale about a man named Stingy Jack—originated in Ireland, where large turnips and potatoes served as an early canvas. Irish immigrants brought the tradition to America, home of the pumpkin, and it became an integral part of Halloween festivities.

History of Trick-or-Treating:
Trick-or-treating—going from house to house in search of candy and other goodies—has been a popular Halloween tradition in the United States and other countries for an estimated 100 years. But the origins of this community-based ritual, which costumed children typically savor while their cavity-conscious parents grudgingly tag along, remain hazy. Possible forerunners to modern-day trick-or-treating have been identified in ancient Celtic festivals, early Roman Catholic holidays, medieval practices and even British politics.

Pumpkin Facts:
* In the United States, pumpkins go hand in hand with the fall holidays of Halloween and Thanksgiving. An orange fruit harvested in October, this nutritious and versatile plant features flowers, seeds and flesh that are edible and rich in vitamins. Pumpkin is used to make soups, desserts and breads, and many Americans include pumpkin pie in their Thanksgiving meals. Carving pumpkins into jack-o’-lanterns is a popular Halloween tradition that originated hundreds of years ago in Ireland. Back then, however, jack-o’-lanterns were made out of turnips or potatoes; it wasn’t until Irish immigrants arrived in America and discovered the pumpkin that a new Halloween ritual was born.

I know that i'm beginning to annoy people, responding about facts about Russia in all sorts of threads, but i believe that Trick-or-Treat is older than 100 years old.

This ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Eve_(Gogol) ) was written in the first half of 19th century and already was describing Ukrainian/Russian tradition of Kalida (Калида). It consists of people going around door to door and singing short songs in order to receive treats on the Christmas eve, although dressing up children wasn't a part of it, there are too many similarities for it to be a coincidence. In Russia (where there was no All Saints Day), it is before Christmas that people assumed all the "dark forces" were at its strongest.

Now what i am *not* saying is that Kalida was what Halloween tradition came from, if i would have to make a bet, i'd say that they both span from the same polytheistic overtures that remain in all societies dominated by abrahamic religions.

P.S. I did know about potatoes, and it is quite interesting how such things develop )))

Volodya,
You are right about Trick-or Treating, it probably is older than 100 yrs but didn't become what it is today until the 1950's when the baby boomers started growing old enough to enjoy it. [http://www.history.com/topics/halloween/history-of-halloween History of Halloween] (Has a couple of Halloween info related videos from History.com)
* "By the 1920s and 1930s, Halloween had become a secular, but community-centered holiday, with parades and town-wide parties as the featured entertainment. Despite the best efforts of many schools and communities, vandalism began to plague Halloween celebrations in many communities during this time. By the 1950s, town leaders had successfully limited vandalism and Halloween had evolved into a holiday directed mainly at the young. Due to the high numbers of young children during the fifties baby boom, parties moved from town civic centers into the classroom or home, where they could be more easily accommodated. Between 1920 and 1950, the centuries-old practice of trick-or-treating was also revived. Trick-or-treating was a relatively inexpensive way for an entire community to share the Halloween celebration."

Here are a few Halloween related jokes. Hope you chuckle as you read them.

Chased by a Coffin

A man is walking home alone late on Halloween night. It's dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, he hears BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! behind him. He walks faster, but the sound keeps up with him. BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!



Worried he is being followed, he glances behind him and through the darkness, and he can just see an upright coffin. No one seems to be holding the coffin; it's just bumping down the street.

He hurries to his house. With fumbling fingers, he finally opens his front door. The coffin is right on his front porch!



He feels around for something heavy to throw at the coffin. He finally finds a bottle of cough syrup and hurls it, saying: “That should stop that coffin!”

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Cemetery Short Cut

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

*******************************

Halloween Meanings

* Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
* Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
* Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
* Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
* Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.
* Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."


* Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
* Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
* Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
* Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
* Skeleton: Any supermodel.
* Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
* Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."


* Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

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Why Pumpkins are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.