Genealogy Humor

Norm, I believe all of those are followed by: "...and then the fight began!!!" It seems that sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!! Here are some more examples:

…And then the Fight Started - 1

1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' …And then the fight started.

2. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. …And then the fight started.

3. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her to someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station. …And then the fight started.

4. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' …And then the fight started.

5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' Yup! …And then the fight started. (The wife’s version is below.)

6. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." …And then the fight started.

7. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' …And then the fight started.

8. I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. …And then the fight started.

9. My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. ...And then the fight started

10. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" …And that's when the fight started.

11. A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' …And then the fight started.

12. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that? …And then the fight started.

13. Never question your wife’s judgment, remember she married you! My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." …And that's when the fight started.

14. One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" …And that's how the fight started.

15. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" …And that's when the fight started.

16. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"


"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
…And then the fight started.

17. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer; always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

18. A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?" 



The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers *both* events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."

On a lighter side... Do you want to feel REALLY Old??? (I'm 25080 days old today!!!)

If you don't already feel old, this one will do it for you.

How many days old are you? This should rattle your cage for today. Most seniors our age don't have a clue. When you have the answer, you might want to send this E-mail to other seniors. Have a great day! I just did because I handed it off to you. Lots of seniors don't know what day of the week they were born, but this will answer it along with other useful info. Most seniors have been on this earth many, many weeks and many, many days. How many days old are you? This will probably give you a jolt!

Click here: How many days old are you <http://www.korn19.ch/coding/days.php&gt;

Heeeey Pat...
I totally agree with you..."It seems that sometimes MEN just don't know when to keep their mouths shut"!!!............

...AND ...I totally agree that..."It seems that sometimes WOMEN just don't know when to keep their mouths shut"!!!

Men & Women are Equally Prone to Driving Each Other NUTZ!!!!

...now don't say I don't take the HIGH Road!!!

Just only 18369 days old? or young? today.

NOTE: This is a True Story...Not a Joke...too bad I can't show you photos of these two "LOONS"!!!!

Couple Arrested For Selling “Golden Tickets To Heaven”

JACKSONVILLE, Florida -

Tito and Amanda Watts were arrested over the weekend for selling “golden tickets to heaven” to hundreds of people. The couple, who sold the tickets on the street for $99.99 per ticket, told buyers the tickets were made from solid gold and each ticket reserved the buyer a spot in heaven — simply present the ticket at the pearly gates and you’re in.

“People can sell tickets to heaven,” a Jacksonville police spokesman said. “But the Watts misrepresented their product. The tickets were just wood spray painted gold with ‘Ticket To Heaven – Admit One’ written in marker. You can’t sell something as gold when it’s not. That’s where the Watts crossed the line into doing something illegal.”

Tito Watts said in his police statement:
I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold… it ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine. You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free. So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…
Amanda Watts said in her police statement:
We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched.

Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash, five crack pipes and a baby alligator.

http://stuppid.com/arrested-selling-golden-tickets-heaven/

LMAO!

"Found a Yankee in my Tree - Will trade for Horse Thief or Black Sheep!"

I have so many wonderful "Damn Yankees" in my Tree that I would happily trade for one really good Black Sheep!

As the story goes, I was 4 years old when I went with my mom and grandmother to clean (Noyes) graves in the Old Cemetary of Bethlem, NH. We got to one grave and I asked who was in there. Gramma replied, "That's your great-great grandfather."

"Will he come out while we're here?"

"From what I understand, it shouldn't surprise me a bit!"

Talk about feeling old, this one did it for me!!! I remember using a typewriter!!! I can't use my computer keyboard unless my hands are "in position" for typing...no hunt & peck for me!!! I am thankful for the spell checker underline feature that we now have, as spelling was always a problem for me!!! I remember the old erasures that we had to use when you made a mistake & then having to attempt to get it lined back up so the typing continued on the same line or worse yet having to retype a whole page because of mistakes or deciding that different wording was better. Oh, the joys of using a typewriter!!!

Found in the Attic

Mom and the kids had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, ...what's this?" 



"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. 



"Well what does it do?" they asked. 



"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool, but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" 



"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. 



"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued. 



"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

I long after the good old days. I started working in a bank in the good old days. No adding machines, (calculators) Ledgers was posted by hand with a pen and ink before the times of ballpoints. Headings have to be written with a school pen. You know thin for the upstrokes thick for the down stokers.
We have the high chairs that they use in bars at the ledger counter the kind that is sloping downwards with a ridge at the end so that the ledger cant slip off. Bur we were never allowed to sit on them. The reason according to the manager was that we will be sitting on your brains.
One get used to standing for eight hours. Oh there are lot of good things to say about the good old times but I better stop before getting emotional.

I am also glad about the red lines showing the miss spellings but some one should sure invent something to help with the tenses. In Afrikaans tenses are no problem if it is past tense you only put GE infront of the word.

Dries....
I & I assume most of the olde codgers here agree with you.

I was forced to learn to use the computer for business purposes...I fought it tooth & nail...I had to learn a fancy design program on the MAC called Quark. I even took High School Night Classes....FINALLY something clicked and Quark became my best friend. However I use an adding machine when I do our Taxes and then I double check it by hand because I only trust my head.....We only let the cable company go direct to our bank account.....my wife still gets our bank account summaries in person....
...although I have a two Blue Ray Players...I still use my VCR as well....I have a big screen TV & a digital projector buuut still have one of those BIG Heavy older non HD TV's....which I swear has a better picture...I have a CD player that can hold over 200 discs but it's hooked up to an olde fashioned Stereo Receiver with two huge Jenssen Speakers...but still also use my Vinyl Records with a turntable (my grandson just found it and didn't understand why you don't drag the needle across the record) I have an olde 1920's "wind-up" that still can play 78's from the 1940's..."Boogie Woogie Bugle Boys" and "Artie Shaw". My grandson just found a typewriter in the garage, from his great grandma, and wants to give it a lube & oil change and try to use it...and he also found a dial desk phone and doesn't have a clue, they do have instructions on it's use on You-Tube...I still like to light up a cigar on occasion...etc., etc., etc.....The future might be taking over but I'm not going without a fight.

....and one more thing....Since my TV DISH isn't carrying my beloved Dodger's games I'm listening to Vin Scully on a transistor AM Radio I dug up that's similar to what I listened to Vin Scully on calling the Sandy Koufax games of the 1960's!!!...All that olde "Junque" may be long forgotten but in a pinch they still perform!!!

A man went to the TV repair shop and handed in his old apparatus,
can you take a look at this and give me an estimate off what it would cost to repair?
The man opened it, looked around and then said, $100 and 10 cent.
Just curious, the man asked if he could specify that?
Well, answered the repairer, 10 cent is for the broken capacitor,
the rest is because I know which it is.

I am tiered of this pension thing I have to go on a long looong leave

...you want to go crazy...try returning something simple that you ordered online!!!

In True Genealogical Fashion this question always comes up...
What is the Resurrection?
******************************************

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon,
he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of
a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said.....
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more
than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle
down enough for the service to continue.

Norm, You are getting naughty .

I had to laugh, though!!! Children's understanding of the world around them is sooooo different from adults and as the above story shows their perception can often result in hilarious and embarrassing situations. They just don't look at the world or hear words the same as adults!!! Here are some other examples. (I have more, but this is long enough!!!)

A Little Biblical Humor (According to Kids)
GOD'S PEACE BE WITH YOU

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted.
"My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon"
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

TIME TO PRAY


A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes, sir." the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

This one is about Jacob Rachel, Lea and Laban. The school was expecting an inspector and the young teacher was drilling the story of the wedding into the little ones heads. When the big day comes She asked the class which of them can tell the story of Jacob, Rachel, Lea. and Laban

Little Johns hand remained in the air. Ok John you tell the story. John begin and tell it the modern way how Laban substitute Lea for Rachel. and as Laban and Lea walked down to the pulpit Jacob met them halfway
and lift the wedding gown to give her a kiss by doing so he saw that it was not the beautiful Rachel but the ugly Lea. The class was taking it in a good way but the Teacher and inspector was running out of the class bursting with laughter.
All that the inspector later on remarked was " It seems that Jacob know the ladies quite well.

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

Martin Andreas Karl (Dries) Potgieter and Private both of those stories are priceless!!! I had tears from laughing so hard. As I said, children have a unique understanding of words and the world around them!!! Here is another story from a child's perspective.

Shirley and Marcy

Mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them, as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace. May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

Hear is one In honor of Earth Day. Happy Earth Day everyone...

An Environmentalist Dies - Earth Day Joke

An environmentalist dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, 'Ah, you're an environmentalist - you're in the wrong place.' Thinking that heaven could never make an error, the environmentalist reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the environmentalist gets dissatisfied with the environment in hell, and starts implementing eco-friendly improvements. After a while, global warming, air and water pollution are under control. The landscape is covered with grass and plants, the food is organic and the people are happy. The environmentalist has become a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in hell?' 
Satan replies, 'Hey, things are going great. We've clean air and water, the temperature is better and the food tastes better, and there's no telling what this environmentalist is going to fix next.'

God replies, 'What? You've got an environmentalist? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.'

Satan says, 'No way. I like having an environmentalist on the staff, and I'm keeping him.'

God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue.'

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, 'Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?'

Saint Peter, at the Golden Gate to John.' What have you there." a bag of bananas John replied.. Finish it her in front of the gate peal and all . there is no wasting inside, John starts to laugh . " what is so funny about that " My friend Carl are on his way with a bucket of prickly pears.
.

This is real bad humor, in Sweden you must pay in order to let the bank
handle your money....that's the reality if you take in account what all their fees cost, in order to get any interest you must otherwise have a minimum of equal $10.000, I just wonder what people in the rest of the world would do if they had the same system as we do here, hardly use the bank I suppose. What's the point to lend the bank your money without getting anything for it, but instead have to pay for it???
Swedes are really naive...

- Good day, Mr. fishmonger!
- Good day, Mr. bank manager, what would you like?
- What is the price for walleye today?
- 20 per kilo.
-Then I'll take one kilogram.
- Thank you, it will be 25.
- But you just told me it cost only 20 a kilo ?
- The service fee is 5!
- Well, here is a 50 note.
- Thanks! Here's your walleye and your change.
- Wait! Here are just 20. It's missing 5!
- We have an exchange fee of 5 also.
- That's rude, Mr fishmonger!
- Yes, that it is, Mr Bank Manager.

I am not sure if this will work or not, but I am attempting to link this discussion to the Lighter Side of Genealogy Project @ http://www.geni.com/projects/Lighter-Side-of-Genealogy/15405

I am unsure if mentioning the Project here will provide the link here AND there. Does anyone know how to get this discussion listed THERE so that anyone finding that project would be able to link to this discussion???

I asked EricaHowton and this is what she suggested:
•• "The ways I can think of would be to add a link in the "project page" of the Lighter Side ... Project. That would be really cool in fact. And put a link to the project in the "humor" discussion; then the project hovers off to the left & can be clicked on easily, even when the discussion pages progress (I think). Thirdly, start a discussion within the Lighter side project with a link to the discussion; that project discussion will have some permanence to it."

I went into the Project and clicked on the "edit" and added it that way. Didn't realize that I could do that. Now if someone finds that Project they will become aware of this discussion.

On the 29th of this month, we will be celebrating our first birthday for this discussion. What a milestone!!! Thanks to everyone who follows and especially thanks to all who contribute and make comments/observations.

I have been a bank manager for many years. My advice to people getting cross at the Bank for what reason so ever, never CHANGE YOR BANK you will never get your things right again. Debit orders ben sent back to the drawer instead of being forwarded to your new bank. Moneys being paid automatically in to your account like for instance pensions etc. will be sent back to the Pension department of who so ever. . PLEASE BEAR WITH THEM YOU CANT WIN,.

On the lighter side: The strangest stories and facts children brought back from school. My 7 year old grandson (now married with his own children) comes home exclaiming Mommy. Mommy. they say at school a Condom is so strong you can pull it over a Volkswagen Beatle. Now what did you answer him to that ??.

The teachers also have their way of finding out what is going on in your home. At one or other stage they the let the small ones write a composition. MY HOUSE, MY Father MY Mother. and then the news comes out,

The best thing is to write on the first day a letter to the teacher stating that you would like to come to an agreement with her. " She don't believe anything he tell about you and you wont believe anything he tell about her"

Johnny to his mother. Did you know that a white mouse has more then two liters of water in his body. That cant be his mother exclaimed . Really it is so. Pete`s mouse escaped and ran up the teachers trousers, she get hold of him above her knee. and press two litters of water out of him.

The cleaner brought a mop and a bucket and it was half full when she finished.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things… 11

Job Impressions
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down. 


"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked. 


"Well, it was okay," she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus." 


Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?" 


She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

Journal
When he received a journal as a gift, my eight-year-old son was mystified.
"Mom, what am I supposed to do with this? The pages are blank." 


"You write down interesting stuff that happens to you," I said. 


"So it's like a blog on paper."

Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that if he fell, he would hurt himself badly. 


Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. 


Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" 


He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

Just Like Mommy
A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced. 


"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her. 


"No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that Oil of Old Lady you always use."

Ketchup Bottle
Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 


"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle."

Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!" 


"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."

Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." 


"How did you know that?" his mother asked. 


"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Language Skills
A friend of mine mentioned that she had an appointment with her son's Spanish-Immersion kindergarten teacher. I knew that regular parent-teacher meetings were not due for a while, and when I asked if there was a problem, she related a conversation she had, had with her son. 


"Mom I can speak three languages now!" he said excitedly. 


"Three?" she questioned. 


"Yes" he replied proudly. "English, Spanish and Inappropriate.

Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. 


"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." 


"Good. What comes after three." 


"Four," answers the boy. 


"What comes after six?" 


"Seven." 


"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" 


"A jack," says the little boy.

Put on your Rubber Panties and watch the Tim Conway Elephant Story...

Tim Conway displays his pure comic genius as he tells his Elephant Story on the Carol Burnett Show and absolutely wrecks his fellow cast mates ability to keep a straight face. The show was filmed live and the actors were always trying to make each other laugh which is something Tim Conway excelled at doing.

http://biggeekdad.com/2012/04/tim-conway-elephant-story/

If you like this funny video be sure to watch Mr. Tudball’s Secretary, another funny clip with Tim Conway.

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
Oh, They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!!