Genealogy Humor

Plight of a Genealogist
http://www.secogensoc.org/humor.html

If you ave ever spent much time researching your family tree, you should enjoy this New Year Resolution. (Our thanks to The Prospector, Clark Co. NV, Vol 29 #1)

It is New year's Eve 1852 and my ancestor sits at his desk by candlelight. He dips his quill pen in ink and begins to write his New Year's resolutions:

1. No man is truly well-educated unless he learns to spell his name at least three different ways within the same document. I resolve to give the appearance of being extremely well-educated in the coming year.
2. I resolve to see to it that all of my children will have the same names that my ancestors have used to six generations in a row. My brothers resolve to do the same.
3. My age is no one's business but my own - I hereby resolve to never list the same age or birth year twice on any document.
4. I resolve to have each of my children baptized in a different church - either in a different faith or in a different parish. Every third child will not be baptized at all or will be baptized by an itinerant minister who keeps no records.
5. I resolve to move to a new town, new county, or new state at least once every 10 years - just before those pesky enumerators come around asking silly questions.
6. I will make every attempt to reside in counties and towns where no vital records are maintained or where the courthouse burns down every few years.
7. I resolve to join an obscure religious cult that does not believe in record keeping and I will not participate in military service.
8. When the tax collector comes to my door, I'll loan him my pen, which has been dipped in rapidly fading blue ink.
9. I resolve that if my beloved wife Mary should die, I will marry another Mary.
10. I resolve not to make a will who needs to spend money on a lawyer?

I hope you don't have one or more ancestor who did any of these (let alone all!!!), but in Genealogy, I know that isn't a realistic hope!!! :-( I do hope you find the documentation needed for the pesky ancestor who did any of the above!!! Happy New Year to all who follow this discussion.

OMG So funny, but sadly true many times.

That's really funny. In addition, some of my ancestors resolved to be buried in cemeteries that keep no records. And have no cemetery marker.

This describes my Geni life !

Here are some positive thoughts that I hope you will think about and maybe incorporate some in your life. I do like to provide informative / inspirational messages as well as humor. Thank you to all who have added comments and humor to this discussion. They are appreciated.

25 THOUGHTS For the New Year:

1 If you don’t pass your values on to your kids, someone else will.
2 You’d think we’d learn something from watching a hamster run around on its wheel.
3 Practice doesn’t make perfect if you’re doing it wrong.
4 Paradise is not a place; it’s a state of mind.
5 Fun shouldn’t be confused with happiness.
6 A homeless person wasn’t at one time.
7 If work isn’t fun, you’re not playing on the right team.
8 Trying to be excellent at everything, leads to mediocrity.
9 Some people don’t communicate. They just take turns talking.
10 Everyone was put on this earth for a good reason... what’s yours?
11 When it comes to charity, some people stop at nothing.
12 Trust takes a long time to develop, but can be destroyed in seconds.
13 Anger is a loaded weapon... be careful where you point it.
14 Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned.
15 Marrying for money is a high price to pay.
16 A great start doesn’t always guarantee a great finish.
17 It’s better to get called out swinging than called out on strikes.
18 Just because it says “URGENT” doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s important.
** In other words: Your "Urgent / Priority" doesn't necessarily mean it is mine.
19 People often count their pennies yet squander their dollars.
20 Half a sandwich shared with a hungry person is more nourishing than the whole.
21 Helping people too much only makes them helpless.
22 Those who serve arrogance as their main course will eat humble pie for dessert.
23 Always give 110%. It’s the extra 10% that everyone remembers.
24 We teach children to color inside the lines, and then expect adults to think outside the box.
25 Live every day as if it were your last. One day it will be.

FRANK SONNENBERG ONLINE.COM
These twenty-five thoughts were excerpted from, It’s the Thought That Counts: Over 500 Thought-Provoking Lessons to Inspire a Richer Life by Frank K. Sonnenberg and Alan D. Hembrough. © 2001 Frank K. Sonnenberg. All rights reserved.

New Years Humor

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

*******************
What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.

Hi Patricia, Al-tough I do not always Comment I love to read all the humouristic inputs
Waiting for 2019 at 12 o clock tonight Namibian time and what the future held for each of us. The lyric" Hi Sarah, Sarah, what ever will be, will be, for the future no eyes can see"

But some times we humans have our own ways to overcome problems. You Know when the Spaniards conquered Peru they find to their horror that they cant reproduce genetic true Spaniards , because of the high altitude the babies died within a year. To solve the problem they take two wives.A Peruvian for the high altitude and a Spanish woman for the low altitude.
The Roman Catholic church was pressing for converts and at every kind of town high up in the Andes-mountains was stationed a priest with the main purpose to convert and bless.

So it happened that Father Alfonso , red headed, who was a very devout person to his duties,and who was for 24 years in charge of the Church/mission died of extreme fatigue

Father Fernandus, was sent to replace him. At his first day at the station he saw many blue end green eyed children with a red head in between. He asked one of the elders about this strange occurrence, His only reply was they are angel children, offspring of the blessed ones.
The next morning after the early church service there were tree young woman and two
widows waiting for him to be blessed.

Oh, my. It seems that Father Alfonso really did take his "duties" very seriously!!!

May you have a…
Joyous January
Fabulous February
Magical March
Adorable April
Magnificent May
Jolly June
Jubilant July
Awesome August
Scintillating September
Outstanding October
Naughty November
And
Dazzling December.
This is how I sincerely wish your New Year to be!
Happy New Year

Happy New Year to All

Adorable April
Magnificent May
Jolly June
I will look forward for these three, do you got the number to anyone of them Patricia?

Happy 2019 to you all too!

Scintillating September sound simply spectacular

I like Awesome August as it is the month of my birth!
Happy New Year to all!!!

This one is going to challenge your reading skills because of the spelling of many of the words!!! I am glad that we have standardized the spelling of words. (Maybe the woman wasn't as educated as they are today???) As far as washing clothes, I am VERY glad I didn't live in pioneer days if this is how it was done!!! I love my washer & dryer.

A 'Receet' for Washing Clothes
from: http://www.secogensoc.org/humor.html

(Written many years ago by a pioneer woman)
1. Bild fire in back yard to het kettle of rain water.
2. Set tubs so smoke won't blow in eyes if wind is peart.
3. Shave 1 whole cake of lie sope in biling water.
4. Sort things. Make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile cullord, 1 pile werk briches and rags.
5. Stur flour in cold water to smooth, then thin down with biling water
6. Rub dirty spots on board. Scrub hard, then bile. Rub cullord, but don't bile, just rench and starch.
7. Take white things out of kettle with broom stick handle then rench, blew and starch.
8. Spread tee towels on grass.
9. Hand old rags on fence.
10. Pore rench water in flower beds.
11. Scrub porch with hot sopy water.
12. Turn tubs upside down.
13. Go put on cleen dress - smooth hair with side combs, brew cup of tee - set and rest and rock a spell and count blessing.

Families are complicated

“Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece.”

Yesterday
From " Missing Links" the Prodigy Genealogy newsletter, a theme song for the computerized genealogist! The author of these lyrics (to be sung to the  tune of the old Beatles' song "Yesterday") is unknown to us.

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data were all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Going the Speed Limit?

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

I just added a cartoon to the "Picture Board for Geni humor" for this discussion: (https://www.geni.com/projects/Picture-Board-for-Genealogy-Humor-Dis... Picture Bd for Geni Humor Discussion) that I hope you will check out.

It has MANY cartoons that are genealogy related, & is a good place to put those genealogy related cartoons. Click on “Photos & Documents” to get to “Photos & Documents for Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion".

If you want to add cartoons, please feel free to add any that are genealogy related as you would any other pix... If you add a photo cartoon, please let us know here so we can check it out.

Questions to Ponder… 6
1. Why do you often see people ordering double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke?
2. Why is it that we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and yet leave useless junk in the garage?
3. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
4. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
5. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
6. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
7. What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
8. Instead of putting pictures of criminals in the post office, why aren't they put on stamps so postman could look for them while they deliver the mail?
9. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
10. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
11. Why do we say something is out of whack?  What's in whack?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
14. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
15. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
16. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
17. At ball games, why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
18. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
19. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
20. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
21. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
22. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
23. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
24. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
25. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead."?

Church Bulletin Bloopers To Make You Smile

These are funny, embarrassing, hilarious, and…oh, just read them yourself.  Enjoy, and share them with friends or someone at your church who needs a good laugh!

1. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
2. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
3. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
4. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.
5. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
6. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.
7. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
8. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
9. Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
10. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
11. A worm welcome to all who have come today.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.
13. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
15. The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
16. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
17. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
18. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
20. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
21. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
22. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
23. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
24. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
25. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
26. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
27. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
28. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Cakes and Ale
Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?
* Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
* Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
** At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Children are so genuine & have such a unique slant on life. If you don't laugh at some of these you need to check your funny bone!!! Some of them are priceless!!!

What is Butt Dust?

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!!      

JACK (age 3) was watching his mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"      

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."      

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mum good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
 window."      

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don’t give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."      

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mum asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"      

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"    

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"      

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"        

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"  

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her
 mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for
 her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it’s me?"           

The Sermon I think this mum will never forget... this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mum, what is butt dust?"

Between the Pages

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. 
    
         
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. 
    
 
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.      

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Accents

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?” Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

Great work, Pat. Keep it up
Normally, Dick Ragland

“4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The  fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .  Alive 

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said…
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... 
Just as I've done.

"Hang in there sunshine, you're special!"

ps: Hope you laughed when you read Maxine's comment. Do you agree with her??? If not, what lesson did you learn?????

Finally an explanation for the zombie profiles here on Geni! They were buried in "good clean" soil??

3 Senior Citizen Humor jokes

Confession  

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 

Man: 'What sins?' 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brothel Trip 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 

'I'm 90 years old,' he says. 

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility  

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down..' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Church Humor -- Good Clean Holy Humor

1) ************************************

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"  The son replied, "I do know!"  
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" 
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' 

2) ************************************

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. 
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

3) ************************************

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. 
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, 
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." 

4) ************************************

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because 
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he 
put a note under the windshield wiper that read:  "I have circled the 
block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.  Forgive us our trespasses." 

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." 

5) ************************************

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to 
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is: we have enough money to pay for our new building program.  The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." 

6) ************************************

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." 

7) ************************************

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.  "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.  “You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...”

8) ************************************

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.  It's the same in my business. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and to be the center of attention.”

9) ************************************

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

10) ************************************

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.  "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." 

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." 

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! 

Signs of the time... "Kids" of today can't seem to function without technology!!!

Math Symbols

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" 


A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"

**************************************
Know Your Math!

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."