Genealogy Humor

Funny Sayings about Cousins & Other Relatives

1. Can a first cousin once removed be returned?

2. A cousin a day keeps the boredom away.

3. A great party is when everyone joins in the gene pool.

4. An inlaw is someone who has married into your family; an outlaw is an inlaw who resists letting you do their genealogy!

5. If your family members won’t talk about a particular relative, a seasoned genealogist knows they are keeping mum about something very interesting.

6. Moment of Truth for a genealogist: discovering you are your own cousin.

7. If you don’t know who the family black sheep is, it’s probably you.

#6 reminds me of that old song "I'm My Own Grandpa". Is anyone else here old enough to remember that one?

For those who may not remember or know about the song, here are 2 sites that might help.

If you want to listen to the song, go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYlJH81dSiw YouTube - I’m My Own Grandpa- Ray Stevens (with family tree diagram)

If you want more info about the song go to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_My_Own_Grandpa

"I'm My Own Grandpa" (sometimes rendered as "I'm My Own Grandpaw") is a novelty song written by Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe, performed by Lonzo and Oscar in 1947, about a man who, through an unlikely (but legal) combination of marriages, becomes stepfather to his own stepmother—that is, tacitly dropping the "step-" modifiers, he becomes his own grandfather. (from the above Wikipedia site.)

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but I loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Oxymorons, Enigmas & Theories about Genealogy

* Oxymoron: “I love history, but I dislike genealogy.” Don’t you want to tell these people that genealogy is family history?

* Genealogical enigma: How so many published trees record people who died before they were born.

* Genealogy theorem: There is a 100% chance that those elusive ancestors weren’t interested in genealogy.

* Genealogy theorem: The odds that you are related to yourself are probably not less than 100%.

* Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we’re all related.

* Murphy’s Law of Genealogy: Your ancestor’s maiden name will be recorded on the one record page that is missing.

Thanks for the laugh Patricia Ann Scoggin

=)

Smart Women

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. 
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. 

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good grief, look how smart I am!" 

Must be where phrase "Smart Ass" came from!

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching & this seemed appropriate food for thought from a different point of view. I hope you will take a little time to consider all you have to be thankful for.

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

Author unknown.

It is the Veteran…

It is the 
VETERAN, 
not the preacher, 

who has given us freedom of religion. 


It is 
the VETERAN, 
not the reporter, 

who has given us freedom of the press.


It is 
the VETERAN, 
not the poet, 

who has given us freedom of speech.
   

It is 
the VETERAN, 
not the campus organizer, 

who has given us freedom to assemble. 


It is 
the VETERAN,  
not the lawyer, 
 
who has given us the right to a fair trial. 



 

It is 
the VETERAN, 
not the politician, 

who has given us the right to vote. 



It is the 
VETERAN 
who 
salutes the Flag, 


It is 
the 
VETERAN
who serves 
under the Flag, 

 ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM. 
 

Here is another message about things to be thankful for. This one has a little humor to it, but it still provides something to think about. They look at things from a different perspective, don’t they???? Hope you enjoy it and take some time to stop and think of all of the things you have to be thankful for.

Things for Which to be Thankful

1. Trains, cars, airplanes, horses and buggies that allow us to travel great distances to share Thanksgiving with our loved ones.

2. The spouse who complains when dinner is not on time, because s/he is home with me, not with someone else.

3. The teenager who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets.

4. The mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

5. The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.

6. The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

7. My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

8. A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

9. All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.

10. The space I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

11. My huge heating bill because it means I am warm.

12. The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

13. The piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

14. Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.

15. The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive.

16. Getting too much email bogs me down but at least I know I have friends who are thinking of me.

Author Unknown

Thanksgiving Turkey

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum.  'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey.  It was the aeroplane ticket.'  "Aeroplane ticket...."

What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.' 

No Thanksgiving Dinner
Contributed by: Mariane Holbrook

Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.
No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what was the matter.
As I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”
He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.
“You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen
Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”
But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:
"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"

The Turkey Popped Out of the Oven
written by Jack Prelutsky

The Turkey popped out of the oven and rocketed in to the air;
It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there had never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn't a way I could stop it; that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scraped with displeasure and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I would never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

14> To Kill A Walking Bird
13> My Best Friend's Dressing
12> The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
11> Casserolablanca
10> The Fabulous Baster Boys
9> 12 Hungry Men
8> Silence of the Yams
7> For Love of The Game Hen
6> I Know What You Ate Last Winter
5> All the President's Menu
4> White Meat Can't Jump
3> When Harry Met Salad
2> The Story of U.S.

and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie...
1> The Wing and I

Since sooooo many people are interested in & watch football on Thanksgiving and that w/e, I was surprised there were no football related Thanksgiving themed movies in the above list. (or did I miss one--there are a couple on the list, #9, 7, 6 at the moment, I can't think what the original movie title was.)
* This site has a listing of football related movies that might help: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:American_football_films

Here are a couple of ideas to start your thinking:
* Plymouth Rockne All American - (Knute Rockne All American (1940))
* We Are Marshmallowed (yams) - (We Are Marshall (2006))
* Turkey Feathers - (Horse Feathers (1932))
* Remember the Turkey - (Remember the Titans (2000))

Can anyone think of other options for football related Thanksgiving themed movies???

10 BLESSINGS OF GOD:
* 
I have a HOME.
* I ATE today.
* 
I have a GOOD HEART.
* 
I WISH GOOD for Others.

* I have WATER to drink.
* I am CONTENT.

* I am trying TO BE BETTER.
* I have a DREAM.
* I have CLEAN CLOTHES.
* 
I am BREATHING.

AMEN !!!

There are so many who are without these due to the hurricanes, floods, fires and other causes!!! If you have these say a prayer of thanks and reach out as you can to those who less fortunate. My prayers go out to all who are without the above.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my Geni cousins, friends & connections. May you each be blessed.
Pat

How Were Turkeys So Named?

The word may have come from the noise a wild turkey makes when it become frightened: it sounds like 'turk - turc - turk.' The original inhabitants of America called this bird a 'firkee.'  It's not hard to see how firkee could become turkey.

Christopher Columbus, the explorer, took some of the wild turkeys of North America back to Europe. People enjoyed eating the meat. It is possible that traders along the Mediterranean casts, known as Turkes, may have brought some of these birds hence they came to be called 'turkey birds.'

In Spain, the turkey was often referred to as Indian fowl, an allusion which is repeated in the French 'dindon' formed with d'Inde which means 'from India'.

Some say Columbus thought the turkey was part of the peacock family. So he decided to call them 'tuka' which is the word for peacock in Tamil, a language spoken in southern India and Sri Lanka.

Pulling the wishbone is a tradition of Thanksgiving.  Firstly, it's best to allow the wishbone to dry.  Then, two people each grasp one end of the wishbone.  After making a silent wish, they pull it away.  Whoever gets the bigger portion with the joint, will get their prayer come true.  This is the same wishbone tradition as at Christmas in the UK.

Making a baby. . .      
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.  Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I'm off now.  The man should be here soon.”  

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  “Good morning, Ma'am”, he said, “I've come to....” 

“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs.  Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I've been expecting you.”  

“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that's good.  Did you know babies are my specialty?”  

“Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat!”  

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”  

“Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.  And sometimes the living room floor is fun.  You can really spread out there.”  

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!”  

“Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.  But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.”  

“My, that's a lot!”,  gasped Mrs.  Smith.   

“Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.”  

“Don't I know it,” said Mrs.  Smith quietly.        

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.   “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.     

“Oh, my God!”  Mrs.  Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.   

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”  

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs.  Smith.       

“Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look!”  

“Four and five deep?” said Mrs.  Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.   

“Yes”, the photographer replied.  “And for more than three hours, too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”  

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.  “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?”  

“It's true, Ma'am, yes.  Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”  

“Tripod?”  

“Oh yes, Ma'am.  I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.”

Mrs. Smith fainted!!!

OMG

For some this time of year can be stressful— all that shopping, gift wrapping, parties, etc !!!! Soooooo, get ready for some Christmas humor between now & Christmas, maybe even some serious or informative (history related) stuff. I hope others will also contribute some Christmas or Hanukkah humor that will result in laughs, chuckles or even groans... Here is the first to get you in the mood

Christmas Limerick Laughs

Gift wrapping I don’t understand.
Nothing turns out the way that I planned.
The paper looks bunched.
The ribbon’s all scrunched.
Perhaps I just need a third hand.
--Bette Killion

****************************

It’s becoming abundantly clear
That the deadline for Christmas is near.
Anxiety grows
As he’s still tying bows.

He’ll give smaller presents next year.
—Timothy Cannon, Osceola, Iowa

****************************

Thought shopping was the worst of my woes.

Now I’m fumbling with ribbons and bows!
I groan and I sigh
These wrappings to tie

I’m tangled from mustache to toes!
—Marlene B. Larson, Larimore, North Dakota

****************************

When told by the clerk at the store,
“Wrapping is five dollars more.”
This frugal old elf

Said, “I’ll do it myself!”
Now this chore has him sore to the core.
—Ben Griffin, Weleetka, Oklahoma

****************************

He tried to be quiet as a mouse
While wrapping the gift for his spouse.

But ribbons and bows
Got wrapped ’round his clothes,

And paper all over the house.
—H. Earl Martin, Laurens, South Carolina

****************************

The holiday season is bright
But not for this fellow tonight.
He’s sitting there trapped,

Trying to get this gift wrapped.

What an awkward and frustrating sight.
—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan

Poinsettias at Christmas
http://www.whychristmas.com/customs/poinsettia.shtml

Poinsettia plants are native to Central America, especially an area of southern Mexico known as 'Taxco del Alarcon' where they flower during the winter. The ancient Aztecs called them 'cuetlaxochitl'. The Aztecs had many uses for them including using the flowers (actually special types of leaves known as bracts rather than being flowers) to make a purple dye for clothes and cosmetics and the milky white sap was made into a medicine to treat fevers. (Today we call the sap latex!)

The poinsettia was made widely known because of a man called Joel Roberts Poinsett (that's why we call them Poinsettia!). He was the first Ambassador from the USA to Mexico in 1825. Poinsett had some greenhouses on his plantations in South Carolina, and while visiting the Taco area in 1828, he became very interested in the plants. He immediately sent some of the plants back to South Carolina, where he began growing the plants and sending them to friends and botanical gardens.

One of the friends he sent plants to was John Barroom of Philadelphia, who gave the plant to his friend, Robert Buist, a plants-man from Pennsylvania. Robert Buist was probably the first person to have sold the poinsettias under their botanical, or Latin name, name 'Euphorbia pulcherrima' (it means, 'the most beautiful Euphorbia'). It is thought that they became known as Poinsettia in the mid 1830's when people found out who had first brought them to America from Mexico.

There is an old Mexican legend about how Poinsettia's and Christmas come together, it goes like this:
* There was once a poor Mexican girl called Pepita who had no present to give the baby Jesus at the Christmas Eve Services. As Pepita walked to the chapel, sadly, her cousin Pedro tried to cheer her up. 'Pepita, he said "I'm sure that even the smallest gift, given by someone who loves him will make Jesus Happy."
* Pepita didn't know what she could give, so she picked a small handful of weeds from the roadside and made them into a a small bouquet. She felt embarrassed because she could only give this small present to Jesus. As she walked through the chapel to the altar, she remembered what Pedro had said. She began to feel better, knelt down and put the bouquet at the bottom of the nativity scene. Suddenly, the bouquet of weeds burst into bright red flowers, and everyone who saw them were sure they had seen a miracle. From that day on, the bright red flowers were known as the 'Flores de Noche Buena', or 'Flowers of the Holy Night'.

The shape of the poinsettia flower and leaves are sometimes thought as a symbol of the Star of Bethlehem, which led the Wise Men to Jesus. The red colored leaves symbolize the blood of Christ. The white leaves represent his purity.
The Poinsettia is also the national emblem of Madagascar.

Be Aware:
* For years poinsettias have had the bad reputation of being poisonous. They certainly are not meant to be eaten by humans, pets, or livestock and ingesting poinsettias would probably cause some stomach upset, as would eating most any houseplant. However poinsettias have undergone extensive testing and there is no evidence that they are toxic or unsafe to have in the house. They are also safe to put into the compost.
* A more likely problem to watch out for is contact dermatitis. Euphorbias, the plant family that includes poinsettias, exude a milky sap when broken. Think of milkweed, another common Euphorbia. Many people are sensitive to this sap, which can cause an itchy rash. Be especially careful not to rub your eyes after touching the plants. To be safe, wash your hands after handling a poinsettia plant and try to avid pinching or pruning them with your hands.

These sites have how to care for your Poinsettia as well as some other info:  
* [http://www.todayshomeowner.com/how-to-grow-poinsettias-year-round/ Today’s HomeOwner - How to Grow Poinsettias Year-Round]
* [http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-10-13/classified/ct-sun-gar... Chicago Tribune - Bring back poinsettia color for holidays. by Tim Johnson]
* [https://www.ftd.com/blog/share/poinsettia-care FTD by Design - Poinsettia Care Guide: Tips & Tricks, 6 Dec 2017]
* [https://www.thespruce.com/poinsettias-keepers-or-compost-1403587 The Spruce - Poinsettias - Keepers or Compost. By Marie Iannotti, 6/19/18]

Kids have such a unique point of view don't they??? Hope you enjoy this one.

Amusing Christmas Story: Out of the Mouths...

Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, 'I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes on camels had to deliver all the toys.  And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around'.

A Dieter's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!

Christmas Carol (A true story)

I recently got out the boxes of Christmas decorations and I told the children (ages 10, 8 and 5) that they could start setting them out. They were very excited and each got to pick out favorite ornaments or figurines. Maria, the youngest, wanted to set up the Nativity scene and happily set to her task. As she concentrated on carefully unwrapping Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, I overhead Maria singing this: 

"Angels We Have Heard Online".....

Children's Funny Ideas About Angels
by Kelvin Bowler, a Primary Schoolteacher

* 1) When it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6
* 2) Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7
* 3) Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8
* 4) I hear funny angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8
* 5) My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8
* 6) Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8
* 7) All angels are girls because they've got to wear dresses and boys don't go for it. Antonia, 9
* 8) Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
* 9) Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9
* 10) It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
* 11) My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9
* 12) When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

Unique Nativity Scene…

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said... "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

The more humor, the better. Keep 'em coming.
Cordially, Dick Ragland

Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught On:

1. Oy to the World
2. Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
3. Hava Negilah - The Megamix
4. Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
5. Enough with those facackennah Jingle Bells Already... Sheez!
6. Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
7. I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
8. Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
9. Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
10. Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

Most confusing book ever written, “Understanding Women”...

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied, "My husband’s check book!!"
******
A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called 'Husband – the Master of the House?'"
Sales girl: "Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"
******

"Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?" 
Old man: "I forgot her name years ago and I’m afraid to  ask her.  

******
Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression drug, you need a proper prescription. Simply showing me a marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!" 

******

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.
Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa. 

****** 

There are 3 kinds of men in this world:
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. 

The rest get married and wonder what happened!

****** 

Wives are magicians: They can change anything into an argument. 

****** 

Why do women live a Better, Longer & More Peaceful Life, compared to men?

A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

****** 

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!

******
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet. 

****** 

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"

I hope no one will be offended by this one, but will chuckle or laugh at some of it. Merry Christmas & Happy Chanukah.

Christmas vrs. Chanukah

Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Xmas and Chanukah, you will know what and how to answer!

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25.
** Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure.
** Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday.
** Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...
** Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas.
** No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc, so even if you are an illiterate klutz you can't go wrong.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts.
** Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.
** Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful....
** Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful from sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking.
** A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. Jews burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. Unless of course you are in Israel where they celebrate by eating inedible cherry donuts call sufganiot.

9. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas.
** Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary and Joseph.
** The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta-whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

11. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
** We save money on Chanukah, less gifts to buy, less to return, less junk to deal with, easier to sleep with.

Better to stick with Chanukah!